


Only Dancing

by Cosmic Mayhem (cosmicmayhem)



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Tahani, F/F, character death but it's The Good Place so what did you expect, mild homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-04-24 00:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14344443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicmayhem/pseuds/Cosmic%20Mayhem
Summary: There were two things in Tahani's life (and afterlife) that she'd wanted more than anything: Her parents' love, and Eleanor Shellstrop. She couldn't have both.





	1. Condolences, Beautiful

They hadn't always loved Kamilah best. At least, Tahani didn't think so. She remembered a few mornings, early in her life, when her mother had swept Tahani up onto her lap, held her close, sang softly into her ear, and breathed in the sweet cucumber scent of the shampoo she used. 

Tahani wished she couldn't place exactly when things changed. But she could, of course.

Her name was Laila, and she had been Tahani's best friend. They had been playing in the garden one day, primroses tucked behind their ears and in their hair, when, like children sometimes do, they had kissed. It was nothing serious, just play, experimenting. But Tahani's parents had rounded the corner from their walk at that exact moment. Her mother had gasped, clutching the string of pearls around her neck in true dramatic fashion, and her father had swept in to pull the two of them apart. They were kept apart until Laila's parents had arrived, then kept apart for the rest of their lives.

That year, they gave Kamilah two horses, a litter of kittens, and a golden retriever puppy for her birthday. On Tahani's birthday, they gave her a used copy of  _Romeo and Juliet,_ and they gave Kamilah a laptop.

After that, nothing Tahani ever did was good enough. Her parents never smiled at her anymore. Not when she brought home straight A+s, not when her first art piece sold for $30,000, not when she presented her proposal to the Prime Minister at 14 years old.

Only once did she see her parents' expressions soften. It was when she introduced them to her boyfriend, a football player who was on his way to the World Cup. That night, her mother had given her half a smile and said, "It's good that you've finally come to your senses and found a good man."

Tahani hadn't slept that whole night, guilt tearing at her stomach. The next day, she sat her parents down and told them she was bisexual. That she didn't see herself staying with the football player forever. That she wanted them to be prepared if she married a woman.

She never saw them smile at her again.

* * *

 

When her parents died, it was a woman named Alie who comforted her. They had been together for three months, but they would only be together for one more.

When Kamilah won her first Grammy, it was a man named Luka who was there for her.

Over the years, there had been others. She had never loved any of them.

Six months before Kamilah was to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, she found herself reunited with Laila. They had fallen back into an easy friendship, almost immediately. They went to brunch on Sundays with Beyonce or Kate Middleton or the Obama family. They went to movie premiers on Fridays, with Ben Affleck or Wes Anderson or Baz Luhrmann. They spent afternoons shopping and getting their nails done. They visited museums and symphonies and ballets. And after three months, Tahani thought she might be in love for the first time in her life. 

Late one night, after finally getting in to see Hamilton, they were sitting together on the rooftop of their penthouse hotel room in Brooklyn when Tahani found herself feeling particularly brave. She had leaned over, brushed a thick curl behind Laila's ear, and leaned in to kiss her. 

"Tahani! What are you doing?"

"I just... I thought..."

"What, that since we kissed as children, that I was a... was some kind of... lesbian?"

And then Laila ran away. 

And two months later, Tahani died.


	2. Soulmates

"This is your soulmate, Jianyu."

She looked at the monk in front of her, stoic and silent, then back to Michael. She wasn't sure about Jianyu, and a part of her hoped, when she heard about soulmates, that hers would be a woman. But it wasn't. It was a silent monk who was shorter than her and had probably never even heard of a luncheon fork, let alone be able to tell the difference between one and a dinner fork. But Michael was supposed to be all - knowing, so she took Jianyu's hand and squashed the uncertainty inside her.

Michael left them alone to "get to know each other" for a while, but it's hard to get to know someone who doesn't speak. And a short while later, he came back, saying something about wanting them to meet the neighbors. So she took Jianyu's hand and followed Michael outside into the gardens.

If it was possible for Tahani's dead heart to stop for a second time, it did as soon as she saw whom they were headed towards. She dropped Jianyu's hand as if it were made of fire, choked on the breath that caught in her throat. Whatever she had felt, or rather, hadn't felt, when she saw Jianyu for the first time, looking at the girl in front of her was the exact opposite. It was everything she had felt with Laila and more. It was a tidal wave, a tsunami, crashing over her body.

"Eleanor and Chidi, I'd like you to meet Tahani and Jianyu," Michael introduced them, but she'd barely heard anything after "Eleanor."

Eleanor. Eleanor. Eleanor. The name was as rose colored as the flowers on Tahani's dress, and she felt as though to say it would put her under a spell.

And then she noticed the silence. Surely she should say something. Anything. But the giddy nervousness in her stomach kept shoving the wrong words into her mouth.

"Can I just say I love your house? It's just so tiny and cute, like a child's plaything." She cringed as soon as she said it, but it was too late, and the stream of words kept coming until she found herself "boop"-ing Eleanor's nose. 

She wanted to bury her face in her hands and scream. She knew better than to "boop" the nose of a grown adult she'd just met, especially if you want them to like you.

Tahani wanted Eleanor to like her so badly.

* * *

 

The nerves that tore at Tahani's stomach also tore through fifteen dresses before she settled on one for the evening.

When she'd planned the party, she hadn't planned on the girl of her dreams being there. She hadn't planned on meeting the girl of her dreams, period. And suddenly the party - which was obviously perfect - was full of flaws. Would Eleanor like the music she'd picked out, or the food? Would Eleanor enjoy fine champagne, or should Tahani offer something more... rugged? A beer?

The dress she settled on was gold, like Eleanor's hair.

* * *

 

If everything Tahani was raised to be was perfectly composed, Eleanor was perfectly carefree. She'd had a few too many drinks and stumbled around with a champagne glass in one hand and a fistful of shrimp in the other. If only, Tahani thought, she could be that relaxed. Laila had made her more relaxed. Eleanor could make her more relaxed. Jianyu made her more uptight.

That night, as she lay in bed, Tahani dreamed there had been a mistake. In her dream, Michael rushed in through her big double doors, called her down from her room. As she descended the staircase, Tahani saw Eleanor waiting at the bottom, radiant in the morning sunlight. 

"Tahani, there's been a mistake. Jianyu isn't your soulmate. Eleanor is."

And Eleanor beamed at her, a smile that made Tahani's heart ache and her feet leap down the stairs, half stumbling, until they embraced at the bottom. Eleanor wound her fingers through Tahani's hair, and Tahani bent down to kiss her. But before their lips met, Tahani woke up.


	3. Chapter 3

So there was a problem with the neighborhood. And everyone knew that the eighth rule of party planning was that one problem always meant there were others. So it followed that maybe... just maybe... there had been a soulmate mix-up as well.

Tahani knew she shouldn't hold her breath. Shouldn't count on it. Knew that even as she dreamed of holding a small blonde girl in her arms, Eleanor was busy dreaming of Chidi. Even if there had been a mix-up, Eleanor wouldn't leave the man she seemed so close with. They were always off in a corner, whispering, sneaking away. Surely they were meant for each other.

And yet, there were times when Eleanor looked at her a certain way. Times when she called her a "sexy giraffe" or "hot stuff." So Tahani held her breath anyways.

She held her breath when Eleanor caught her crying and didn't run away. "You don't know what it's like to be in paradise and feel like there's something not quite right," she had said, and claimed it was about Jianyu. It was, in a way, but it was also about Eleanor. About feeling like she'd been put with the wrong soulmate. And Tahani finally had the chance to embrace Eleanor with her whole body, and it was like the heaven she'd thought she'd ended up in, but it was over all too soon.

So she held her breath again every time she forced herself to get closer to Jianyu. And she held her breath when she talked to Chidi and found out how wonderful he was, how perfect he was for Eleanor.

How could she be so selfish as to want to split them up?

But she held her breath the most when she looked at Eleanor's quaint little house, and thought about how she'd felt when she first saw it, wondering how someone could be so happy with so little. And she thought about how she felt now, thinking she would be so happy with very, very little indeed, so long as that very little was also blonde, and spunky, and unpredictable, and named Eleanor Shellstrop.

* * *

 

But Eleanor wasn't supposed to be there.

Eleanor was the problem with the neighborhood.

And Eleanor was very much the problem with Tahani.

Because she wanted things to be fixed, to be right. She couldn't help but feel on some level like things would be okay between her and Jianyu if she'd never met Eleanor in the first place. With Eleanor gone, she'd be better able to focus on her relationship, and on doing good things. After all, Eleanor brought out the worst in her, somehow. Made her selfish, jealous, petty. Not that she hadn't been those things in life sometimes, but she'd always risen above it for the greater good. For Eleanor, she would sink far below the greater good. And she couldn't help but think of her parents' faces if they saw how selfish she was being in the name of some  _girl_.

So she tried to convince herself that it was best if Eleanor were to go. Somewhere else. Like the Bad Place. To be tortured for eternity.

But when she thought of Eleanor down there in the Bad Place, suffering an eternity, Tahani could not allow it.

"Well, if it were up to me, I might find a way to look past her... deficiencies."

* * *

 

Of course, there was also a minute where she thought she might be in love with Chidi. That was... something. Something desperate and far fetched, but somehow it had brought her closer to Eleanor.

They'd watched British television and Eleanor had given her hair extensions. They looked... frightening. But Eleanor had called her a "sexy, tan Rapunzel," so Tahani decided to never take them out.

But all good things came to an end, and Shawn arrived with the demand that he take two people to the Bad Place.

And then Eleanor had discovered they were already in the Bad Place anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, it's everyone's favorite time of year (finals) and that means I've been studying like a maniac lol.


	4. Attempt #83

She was going to meet her soulmate.

Michael had taken her into his office, told her everything was okay, and that she was going to meet her soulmate. Who lived right next door.

She just had to wait until she saw Michael bring someone into the quaint blue and yellow house. And it really was quaint -- she'd expected someone as wealthy and refined as herself. But even from her window, when she'd seen Michael ushering someone through the front door, and caught a glimpse of sunshine blonde hair, she knew it felt right.

Tahani checked her dress one more time (perfect), her hair twice (perfect both times), and her makeup three times before heading over to the house next door. She knocked three times, clearly and distinctly, and waited until the door opened to reveal...

"This is your soulmate, Tahani," she heard Michael saying, but it as if his voice were traveling through water to get to her. The words rung in her head. This couldn't possibly be right. Michael had to be joking. In front of her was a tiny, messy girl in a flannel and jeans. She looked coarse, and spoke with a voice that had clearly never been to finishing school. And it had to be a joke. Because there was no way someone like Tahani could ever deserve someone quite so perfect.

The girl stuck her hand out to shake, and Tahani flexed her fingers, lifted her own hand, paused, then shook the other girls.

"Hi, I'm Eleanor. Nice to meet 'ya."

"And yourself," was all Tahani could manage.

Michael, perhaps sensing the tension, chose that moment to announce, "Well, I'll leave you too it. See you both tonight," and he left. As he turned the corner, Tahani could almost swear she'd heard him chuckling to himself.

"Tonight? What's tonight?" Eleanor -- her name was Eleanor -- asked, folding her arms but looking at Tahani with confusion rather than anger.

"I'm, uh. I'm hosting an event. To welcome the neighborhood," she paused, stuttering over her words, struck by a vision of her parents rolling over in their graves. She was with a girl, and she was stuttering. But she had made it into the Good Place, despite all their best efforts otherwise, and they seemed to be nowhere around. "You're invited, of course, being my soulmate and all. I mean, the whole neighborhood is invited, so of course you are. It's just..." Tahani sighed, saw her parents disapproving faces once again, "I want everyone to feel like they truly belong here. Like they've really earned it." And she meant it. For others as much as herself. She wanted to know that she'd earned this.

"Right. Yeah. On that subject, can I... can I talk to you about something?"

"Oh, anything my dear! But is it going to be terribly long? I need to get back to planning for the party tonight." _I need to get back to somewhere I won't keep rambling nonsense in front of the most perfect woman in the entire world._

"You know what? Never mind. We'll talk later. I mean, it's not like we don't have an actual eternity or anything."

"Right. Okay. Well, I'd best be going. I'll see you later. Seven o'clock sharp!"

Once safely outside the front door, Tahani turned and flung her back against the plaster walls of the house, bringing her arm to her forehead in true dramatic fashion. She rested there for a moment, then retreated to the relative safety of her home.


	5. Attempt #83, Contd.

"So, um..." Eleanor started, fidgeting with the hem of her black dress, perched right on the edge of the love seat in Tahani's living room.

"Yes, dear?" Tahani herself sat comfortably on the lounge on the other side of the room, still sipping at a glass of champagne left over from the party.

"Okay, so. I, uhh -- I," she fidgeted further with the hem of her dress, pulling a thread loose from the hem and unraveling it. "So Michael told me... like, we're soulmates, but... I just..." Another deep sigh, and Tahani felt the nerves knotting in her own stomach.

Of course Eleanor didn't like her. Of course there'd been a mistake. She knew she wasn't good enough, had never been good enough. Her parents had made certain she knew. And for how much she  _wanted_ this woman. Not even to sleep with her but just to hold her and be close to her and breathe in the smell of greasy Mexican food that lingered in her hair. For that alone she should be sent to the Bad Place.

"I... I think I know what you're going to say."

"And?"

"And what?"

"I... you... fork," her head fell into her hands. "Maybe you don't know what I'm going to say. And I thought soulmates could read each others' minds." Eleanor laughed but Tahani felt the comment like a sharp pang of agony in her heart. They weren't soulmates.

"Michael told me," she finally continues, with a new resolution. "Michael told me there are different kinds of soulmates. Platonic, romantic, sexual," she blushes, "And I just... You looked super nervous when you first walked in and then I thought... maybe you were straight... and I don't know what we're supposed to be, but I think you're really hot. Like,  _really_   forking hot. But if you're straight, that's totally fine! It's just... I don't know. I'm just confused, I guess."

"You know," Tahani answered, trying to cut the tension, "that sounds awfully similar to something  _all four_ Hollywood Chrises have said to me at one point or another." She chuckled, but Eleanor just frowned slightly and looked uncomfortable.

"Right. So... I don't know what that's supposed to mean."

Tahani felt her parents' judgmental eyes. Heard their chastising voices. Remembered the sharp sting of Laila's rejection so shortly before she'd died. For so long, she had been filled simply with a soft compliance to the enforced heterosexuality. But now there was something sharp, determined. Something about the woman in front of her that made her feel ready to take on them all for just a moment with Eleanor.

"I turned down the Chrises," she began, hesitant, not sure how to word anything. "I'm not turning you down too."


	6. Attempt #83, still

"Morning, hot stuff."

Tahani opened her eyes to see Eleanor leaning over her, mischief in her eyes.

"Good morning beautiful."

"You want to go to the lake today?" Eleanor smiled, her eyes still twinkling with unspoken plans.

"What's at the lake?"

"Us, hopefully."

It had been three weeks since Tahani had died, three weeks spent with Eleanor in a perfect heaven. But those three weeks were long enough for her to know that when Eleanor was up to something, Tahani had a hard time stopping her. Not that she usually wanted to - most of the surprises were good.

"Okay. Let me just get ready."

"Perfect." Eleanor leaned down and kissed her briefly before running off to somewhere in the house.

* * *

They arrived at the lake shortly before lunchtime, Eleanor fighting to contain laughter the whole way. 

"What's so funny, dear?"

"Just wait. Just wait."

When they rounded the corner, Tahani saw what Eleanor had been laughing about. The shoreline was filled with picnic blankets, baskets, balloons, and what could have been the whole neighborhood celebrating.

"Happy birthday, hot stuff."

"Is it my birthday?"

Eleanor laughed, bright and melodic. "No idea. We're dead. Does the passage of time even matter?"

Tahani felt Eleanor's contagious laughter bubble over in her own chest. "So you just decided it was my birthday today?"

"It's our birthdays every day!"

* * *

 

The problem with Attempt #83, Michael realized, was not that Eleanor had figured it out. It wasn't that the neighborhood was breaking apart, or that anyone was trying to marry Janet.

The problem was that no one was suffering.

With Tahani backing her, Eleanor had turned her selfish need for instant gratification into a constant desire to be sure Tahani was having as much fun as she was. And Tahani wasn't having fun unless the whole neighborhood was having fun. So Eleanor wasn't being selfish. She was being mischievous, sure, but she was using her power for good. And since she was doing good, she wasn't worried about not belonging. She hadn't even told Chidi.

And Chidi, as a result of not knowing Eleanor's predicament, never had stomachaches. Never worried. He read philosophy and poetry and learned to sail. And, on occasion, he partook in Eleanor's fun.

Jason always partook. He had given up on being a silent monk after about the third party, but he was always having enough fun that no one cared what he said, they always assumed he was just drunk.

And Tahani had everything she ever wanted.


	7. Attempt #83, Final

They had been in the Good Place for almost two months. Tahani almost couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe how happy she was. Couldn't believe the incredible friends surrounding her, or the beautiful house she lived in, or the most amazing woman in the world, down on one knee, holding the biggest diamond ring she'd ever seen.

Couldn't believe the "yes" coming out of her mouth.

Couldn't believe Eleanor sliding the ring onto her finger.

Couldn't believe the happiness bubbling in her stomach as she pulled Eleanor up and kissed her hard.

And she couldn't believe the announcement Michael made next.

"Oh, congratulations, you two. Isn't this just wonderful?" Their architect clasped his hands together, grinning at the pair of them, "And I have the perfect engagement present for you guys. Tahani, we're bringing your parents in from one of the other neighborhoods for your engagement party. They're so excited to help you celebrate!"

* * *

 

Tahani felt her stomach sinking further and further to the very depths of the Earth as the train pulled into the station. She squeezed Eleanor's hand tight.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. They're your parents and they love you," Eleanor turned to face her, smiling encouragingly.

"Not as much as they love Kamilah," she muttered under her breath, but she hoped Eleanor didn't hear.

"Tahani, dearest," her mother stepped down out of the train. "How  _have_ you been?"

"Good, Mother," she smiled through clenched teeth. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Tahani, there you are. Have you been keeping up with your sister in the afterlife?" Her father stepped out from behind her mother, and Tahani realized it would be that bad after all.

"No, Father. I've been... busy with other things."

"Ah, and who is this young lady?" Her mother stepped towards Eleanor, reaching out to gently touch her blonde curls.

"Mother, Father, this is my fiance, Eleanor."

Their faces fell.

Her mother looked... confused. Her father looked angry. They both looked disappointed.

Tahani wanted to throw up. Or faint. Or scream. Instead she just clung to Eleanor's hand so hard she was probably leaving bruises.

"Tahani, let's talk about this. In private."

* * *

 

When Tahani returned to their house, she found Eleanor sitting with Michael, speaking in low voices.

"Eleanor?" She began, feeling the crack in her voice, the tears already prickling at her eyes.

"Tahani, hey!" Eleanor ran over, wrapped her in the warmest, tightest hug, and looked up at her with big blue eyes. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry for leaving you. I already talked to Michael about sending your parents home tonight. Hey, hey, what's wrong?"

She couldn't do it. Wouldn't be able to, with Eleanor looking at her like that. She breathed a deep breath, closed her eyes, and whispered. "I can't marry you."

"What? Why?" Eleanor pulled back, "Is this because of something your parents said?"

Tahani stumbled over her feet and her words as she moved to sit down on their couch, "No, it's... I never... I was a fool to think this could work."

"No, you weren't! We were happy, right?" Eleanor ran a hand through her hair and started pacing, "Son of a bench!"

"I... We... Fork it, Eleanor, I just can't marry you, alright?" She pulled a handkerchief from the pocket of her dress and dabbed at the tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

"No, it's not alright! We talked about this. We talked about your parents, and your sister, and your issues. And I thought you were better than falling for their stupid games again! I thought I mattered more to you than this!"

"Eleanor, you don't understand."

"No, I don't. I don't understand how you could decide to give up everything we had just because your parents, who, I might add, we'll probably never see again, are awful people who don't approve of you dating girls."

"It's not like that," Tahani mumbled, but she knew it wasn't true. Knew everything Eleanor was saying was right. But she couldn't marry her after hearing the things her parents had said. Eleanor wasn't there. She hadn't seen their faces. Heard their voices.

"I thought we made each other better. You made me better! I didn't belong here when we first arrived. I should have been in the Bad Place, but --"

"You... what?" Tahani looked at Eleanor, then over at Michael, who was still sitting on the other side of the room, looking uncomfortable as he listened to their argument.

"Yeah. Okay. So I wasn't a great person while I was alive. But then I thought... you made me a good person while I was here! I got better! And you... I thought you got better too."

"I know. I just..." she breathed deeply once again, closing her eyes, "I still can't marry you."

"Then maybe you're the one who belongs in the Bad..." Eleanor stopped mid-sentence, her look of anger and betrayal turning into one of realization. "Ohhhhhhhhh. I get it now."

Michael sighed loudly from the other side of the room, looking over at Eleanor, as if predicting what she would say next.

"This  _is_ the Bad Place."

Almost as soon as the last words left her mouth, Michael snapped his fingers, and --

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for supporting this! I know it's been a while since I updated but now I have the rest of the story mapped out and hopefully future chapters shouldn't take me as long to write. That's right, THIS IS NOT THE END!!! I have a lot more planned. So anyways the point of this was to say thanks for your support and your comments and kudos, it really encourages me to keep writing :)


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